Double toe, churn the butter

While at school this semester I am taking a clogging class. It is my very lame attempt to become as well rounded and amazing as my mama is. I have enjoyed it so much! I made a 94 on my first test and have midterm coming up soon. I am fortunate enough to have been raised in a very talented family. From a young age I was taught the power of music and good dancing skills, what it means to love one another and enjoy life. My mother and her two sisters are probably the most talented people I know and sometimes it is hard to deal with. Sometimes I compare myself with them and find myself lacking in a variety of ways. Between the three of them they have 3 eagle scouts, 4 returned missionaries, a photographer, a painter, a flower arranger, a decorator, a cake baker, two seamstresses, the best costume design group on the planet, clogging instructors, square dancers, hair salon, glass ornament maker, hostesses, and 3 NASCAR drivers! If that isn't intimidating I don't know what is! Word to wise, hide your dogs when they come rolling down your driveway because they only have one speed and that's pedal to floor and the brake line is cut! I got it honest! In my effort to be a well rounded individual I have taken up a few of those talents myself. Photography and flower arranging although I am not amazing at any of them. This semester I am doing the clogging and ball room thing and next semester I want desperately to learn sewing. I know that I can but unlike those three it is going to take me some practice. But perfection is a lifelong pursuit so until then I will continue to practice my eight count dance and perfect the double toe, and churn the butter, my two newest clogging steps. This poor little mirror in the dance lab is going to hate looking at all of this fluff jiggle!

Not a bunch of girls

I was driving down Highway 20 one day last week just enjoying the trees and the radio and all the thoughts running through my mind when I tuned in to the words on the radio. The song was talking about a bunch of girls and what they were all doing on various vacations. The point of the song was basically that girls are fickle and blame their bad behavior on alcohol. That they are dishonest and lead boys on but even then the singer said, "I would walk a country mile, yes I would, for a bunch of girls." At first I asked myself, "Where are their mama's?" This song really made me reflect on what I am as a woman and what I have been taught growing up. Contrary to the title of the song, "A Bunch of Girls" I never want to be one of a bunch of girls to any man. I want to be THE woman to a man and have him cherish me as such. I am ONE of my Heavenly Fathers daughters and still feel his love individually. I have seen many times in my life the effects of a mother who neglects the raising of her children. One dear friend once commented to me that because she was just a child herself when she had her oldest child that she really can't be held responsible for her actions while he was an infant. I was appalled. When you have a child you no longer get to at like one in my opinion and in that moment, being conception, you are then responsible for that child. You have an obligation for the first 9 months to give that baby a good environment to grow and develop and become strong enough to physically live. After that sweet spirit comes into this world you are then responsible for its emotional, spiritual and temporal needs. That is not an option. I was raised by a mother who struggled to have children and who cherished her own. I saw that love daily, especially when she was tired and frustrated with the things that life threw at her. She never forgets her most important role, among administrative assistant, horse jockey, avid photographer, gardener, sculptur-er, and seamstress, she was always and most importantly my mama. She will never be just one in a "bunch of girls", and she didn't raise me to be either. How grateful I am for a mama who knew her purpose and fulfilled it and in doing so helped me understand mine. To all the women out there, don't raise your daughters to be "a bunch of girls". Teach them grace and tact and beauty from the inside, for it truly lasts the longest.

The End of the Beginning......FInally

Well this semester is ending much the same way it began. I am at Chloe's surrounded by her kids playing and having a blast. As I look back on the past semesters, my beginning at BYU-Idaho I am filled with gratitude. I have learned so much and come to appreciate the good qualities that I have. I have had my testimony reaffirmed to me of the truthfulness of His gospel. I have made many friends that have changed my life for good. Maybe not always for the better but definitely permanently. I have had my heart broken and put back together again. I have felt the pain of losing a dear friend over religious differences along the way.

This bumpy road has provided with a view like none other. I've been down in deep dark caves and on top of "world famous" (according to Jace Briggs) sand dunes. I have built bonfires and fences, both literal and figurative. I have helped others hearts mend and broken a few. I knew when I moved to Rexburg that I would face a lot of challenges and I was so focused on that that I let myself forget about all the happiness and good times that I would also be blessed with.

The view from my seat at church in the front of our Relief Society group is as diverse as the human race. Life long members, 4 year converts, the only members of their families, to families of 20. Girls who have never been visiting teaching and returned missionary sisters dot that view. Faithful, valiant, women of God, striving to become what he wants them to be.

As for my view of the men, I choose the one that I see from the door of Apartment 4, Sunrise Village. While it is very easy to fault the men that I have met on this campus for all of the flaws that are so apparent to a woman, and maybe not so much to men, this group of men is the best that I have ever met. I would like to tell you about them, individually and collectively.

Collectively to the ward they are the Elders Quroum President, the Sunday School President, the Ward Clerk, the Executive Secretary, the second counselor of the Elders Quroum and the group family home evening coordinator. To me they are the men I call when one of my girls needs a blessing in the middle of the afternoon or the middle of day. To my heart they are so many different things.

Mike is the man I call when I need reassurance that I don't totally stink in my efforts to help the Relief Society and who helps me plan things for all the ward activities. Seth is the man that I confide in about my secret crushes and the boys that really annoy me. He takes me random places and is very honest with me. He tells me what he thinks is best for me and always tries to help me with whatever I need. He runs around finding people for Bishop and chalk for me on Sundays. He is a mover and a shaker, with Sethry you never really know what you will get into but you can bet it will be a good time for all.

Bryce is my go to man for all things YouTube and matters of the heart. He understands that faith isn't blind and that 'why?' is a valid question. He is blunt and honest about things that matter to him and he is kind to everyone. He included me in family plans and hosted a semester end party at his home. He laughs a lot and helps everyone feel welcome. I think Bryce helps me feel the love that Heavenly Father has for ALL of his children more than any other man. Its like no matter happens to me or him or in life in general, he keeps that the focus of who he is a where he is. Its refreshing and a wonderful change form the gloom that can settle on those who are trying so hard to be and do what the Lord would have them to.

Justin is the ghost of the apartment. I don't know a lot about him but he is very kind when we see him and quick to laugh which I need sometimes. He is always very cordial and checks in on me right when I need it. Ryan is just a doll. When we leave their apartment he always shakes my hand and says, 'thanks for coming" which makes me smile. Consistency is always appreciated. He is soft spoken and sort of timid in front of girls which is a welcome change to some of the overzealous ones that are on campus here. Last but certainly not least is Jace.

Jace is painfully shy with females and it takes him a while to open up. The very last Friday that we were in town he and I went mini golfing and to see the Harry Potter movie. It was very interesting how much he opened up and was quite talkative. The other couple that went with us also had a blast and it was fun to get to see some of the nearby places that I am not brave enough to explore on my own. He is definitely the go to man for secret little places to explore and enjoying the lesser known Idaho. The thing that I love the most about him is his smile. He is quick to smile and makes me laugh so much. He has a shy little grin and his brain is always thinking. He notices lots of little things about those that are around him. When he is tired he wears his little black rimmed glasses and during the HP movie I was teasing him about not dressing up like Ron because we saw a boy who had painted his hair orange. He looked at me dead serious, and said, "Don't you know, I'm Harry Potter." I laughed so hard. But he could have said just about anything and I would have thought it was great. He understands the value of hard work and what it means to do a job well. He also understands and has perfected the art of saying what needs to be said, nothing more, nothing less.

Individually they all hold a different piece of my heart and collectively they are the peace in my heart. Here is to good, loyal, just, god-fearing men and the Father in Heaven that made them that way. Hats off to you my dear friends. Until we meet again........

~AzK~

A stirring in my soul......

I had the opportunity to spend the 4th of July this year with some pretty amazing people. I have not been home for a celebration of this variety in a really long time. I have been away from home for the summer for 4 years, but in so being, I have met some really good people. One of which is my dear friend, Bryce Arnold.

Let me tell you a bit about him. He is originally from Washington State and moved to Idaho in his youth with his family. He is a pre-med major and is in my ward here at BYU-I. He is really funny and smart. He has white blonde hair and a small build. He plays competitive baseball here on campus and enjoys most sports. He is good at card games and always seems to have a good time. My favorite thing about Bryce is that he always speaks his mind. He believes in certain things very passionately and spares no words in expressing those thoughts and feelings. I admire him so much for that.

For the 4th of July Bryce asked if we would like to go to his families big cookout and to watch fireworks in Idaho Falls. We all readily agreed. We left about 2:00 pm and headed over for a day of fun in the sun. We ate burgers, played football, frisbee, soccer, and threw a baseball for a while. We, most of the girls, sat in the shade all day and I still got sunburned. We were able to partake of the spirit that usually accompanies a large family enjoying a good hot day outside. There were babies galore and Bryce was so cute when he would pick them up and play with them. Whether he would comfort Presley, the 2 year old, from the scary airplanes, or move Preston out of the middle of the playing field so he didn't get ran over, he seemed to be as absorbed by them a the rest of us.

Mike and Courtney came with us also and it was such a comfort to see a good man treat his girlfriend with respect. He rode in the back of Bryce's car and gave her the front seat, I think my heart melted. He brought food for them and they cooked it together. They were snuggled under a blanket watching the fireworks together and I couldn't help but feel at home. I know that they are both wonderful people and are so good together. I love them both so much!

We spread out blankets and all settled in for the fireworks at around 10:00 pm. We sat mostly in a line with Bryce, Me, Dollie Mae, Kenzie, Boden and Bailey sitting on the side of the little hill and then Mike and Courtney sitting behind us. We sat on a blanket and the more Bryce moved the further down the hill he slid and eventually he was sitting on the grass by the edge of the blanket. We laughed at his folly and then everything kind of got quiet as we watched. Bryce said to me, "It's amazing how patriotic I feel right now. I want to run for President." I whole-heartedly agreed with him.

It is funny how something as small and insignificant as fireworks can speak so clearly and universally to the heart. It made me feel a huge responsibility and even more blessed to live where I do. To have been born in the Good ole U. S.of A! Surrounded there on the side of that parking lot in Idaho Falls, by some of the best people on earth, my dear friends, I realized how important it was for this nation to have been created by loyal god fearing people. There is a plan in place now for each of us and being born in the United States of America, is a large part of mine. I have many friends and family who have served and are serving in the military to defend the freedoms that we enjoy today. The right to barbecue and play all day in the sun, the right to pursue education at this university, and to strive for happiness no matter what life hands us. I felt, as did Bryce and many others I am sure, that stirring in my soul to be a little better, to make more informed decisions, and be more loyal to my country. My father in heaven created this country so that we could come here and worship as we see fit. He restored his gospel in this land of religious freedom so that we may all worship him and return to his presence, as his children, sons and daughters of a king. God Bless America, this land that I love!

A Hero in my Heart

Dear Daddy aka little short man,

Every little girl should believe that her daddy is the best daddy in the world. But honestly, mine really is. I used to think that you played favorites and that Elijah was the only child you thought you had because he is the only boy, but as I grow older I realize everyday just how important I am to you. I want to share a few things that I remember about growing up with you as my daddy. Since lots of people will read this I will write it to them. I hope you enjoy this little trip down memory lane. Don't worry, I will drive safe!

I have always and will always call my early father, daddy. My mama told me once that when my brother was born he was so happy that his feet floated off the floor the first time he saw him and came back down a few days later. Then, she looked at me with that little twinkle in her eye, and told me that when I was born his feet floated off the floor and he still hasn't come back down. I can remember him singing me to sleep to Eagles songs and old George Jones hits. I can remember being so small that I would stand up next to him in the seat of the truck instead of sitting next to him while we were on a drive. I remember my parents taking me and Elijah to the junior museum in Tallahassee and daddy videoed us running all over the place. I was wearing those "coolates" the big baggy shorts, and daddy told me to smile at the camera. I pulled my shorts up as high as they would go and smiled at the camera. He laughed and said I was worth a cool million. (I must say I was quite the charmer even at a young age.) When I was young I would take things to him that I had messed and he would always fix it. I asked him how he could always fix it and he would tell me "You know daddies can fix anything!" He never missed a prom photo shoot and he was there for homecoming too. He was the last one I hugged before I left on the mission and the second one I hugged when I got home. He keeps my secrets and promised to do so before I even had any that I wanted him to keep. That makes this little girl feel safe! He shared his love of the outdoors with me from a very early age and even now takes me with him. When I went home a few weeks ago he took me out fishing and when he would have a bite on his line he would always give it to me and let me reel it in. It took me a minute to catch on but I laughed so hard when he asked me if I could take my own fish off. He taught me to do that as a little youngin and there have many boys that I had to teach. I was always proud that daddy would teach me and it made me feel so loved and spoiled. Now at the age of 25, I am very well rehearsed in the art of unhooking a fish.

I have not always been the nicest person or the best example but every time he would correct me I could feel the love that he had for me. I know that he expected me to do my best and that is, and always has been enough for him. I didn't grow up rich but I grew up well, in large part thanks to the time daddy spent with me. He put up with me during all the teenage drama and that preteen stage where I didn't want to be a girl. He loved me anyway.

As I have grown older the scrapes and scars have become less and less to my physical body and more to my heart. Even though he knows how wonderful I am I haven't found a man my own age who believes that yet. He keeps telling me not to rush it and that it will happen. He is one of my biggest cheerleaders, although my cheering section is packed with those that love me. He loved my mama enough to marry in the temple, and set the best example for me. He went on a mission, magnifies his calling, and kisses my mama when he walks in the door. He has always given me priesthood blessings when I needed them and came to girls camp and did the over night watch every single year that I went. He changed the oil in my car, made sure I had gas money and that I came home safe.

Daddy, Earlier today I posted on my facebook, "To the best daddy in the world: I wanted money, you taught me to work. I wanted love, you taught me forgiveness. I wanted happiness, you taught me to be honest. I wanted to serve a mission, you learned to email. I went to college, you learned to skype. I got my heart broken and you helped me love myself again. The greatest thing that you have ever done for me was to love my mama. I love you. Happy Fathers Day! " Now I will add, you have made it so hard for me to fall in love! Daddy, you are such a good man, I don't know if any of the boys in my generation can even come close! But don't worry, I promise not to settle for one who doesn't love me the way you do mama, BUT he will NOT be allowed to "beller" like you do! ;) I know that you will love whoever I drag in, just like you love me no matter what. Even as good of a man as I will end up with, never doubt that you are the real hero in my heart.

Love eternally,

Your Punkin Doodle

A quarter of a century?

I have officially reached old age. Last Sunday (May 8th) I turned 25. The year I was born I was also brought into this world on Mothers Day in 1986. I think that this birthday was one of my favorites by far. Early in the week my roommates and I went to Big Jud's and Alex, one of our old hometeacher's, came along. We had a really good time and enjoyed being crazy together! Bailey and Dollie Mae both went to Utah for the weekend and both Anna and Kenzie went home to Shelley. I was thinking it was going to be a kinda of lonely weekend but on Sunday all of my friends made it the most amazing birthday ever. I woke up to a text from my daddy that said, " A half a decade or a half a century I don't know, but I do know that I have loved you your whole life." Wow. I pity the poor boy that thinks he can love me as much as my daddy does. I don't think that he actually exists, but I would settle for one who is willing to try!

Right after church Alex asked me to come over for frozen pizza and he even bought me lime sherbert, which has been my favorite since I can remember. As I was sitting at Alex's house one of the couples from the Hill Cumorah Pageant who live here in town invited me over for Mothers Day dinner. Alex drove me and stayed there to eat with me too. I love that family so much. Right before we left church to come home, Alex casually mentioned that it was my birthday and sister Hayes was so excited! One of her daughters has a birthday on May 8th as well and she was sad because she wasn't able to come home for a visit. She hugged me up and said that she was so glad that in the end she still got a daughter home for her birthday. They are so wonderful to me! As we were driving out of the driveway Alex asked me if I wanted to go see a park that Brother Hayes had mentioned would be a good place for the bonfire that we are planning and I readily agreed. It was a cool little place and we picked the shelter that we wanted and headed on back home. Alex hangs out with us most of the time and as we neared the apartment, he asked if he was invited over, which was the strangest thing coming from him. I told him that of course he was invited and then I reminded him that he would probably want to change out of his church clothes. We went to his place first and he changed and then went over to the refrigerator. He pulled out these 2 pies that had red stuff on the top and told me that we could all eat them at my place. I was excited for pie! Who wouldn't be? When we walked into my apartment I realized why he had been so clingy. It was full of my friends and Gracie had decorated and everything! There were even ribbons on the floor! Then when they cut the pies I realized what they were. Bailey had called mama and got Aunt Katrina's Cream cheese pie recipe and had Alex make it for me. I was so exited. Alex did a great job and only 2 pieces of pie remained, but alas at breakfast the following morning they succumbed to the sweet tooth of Bailey and I. It was a wonderful day to be sure.

-AzK-

Doors and Windows

Having gone through quite the rough spot in life lately (by rough spot I mean that I fell in a pot hole in the road that literally swallowed me whole and spit me back out for round 2) I have had some amazing people give me some even better advice. All well meaning and so kind and loving. One of my favorite people said, 'there is a light at the end of the tunnel' and then with the announcement that the only man I have ever really loved was marrying a 19 year old blond girl after dating her 7 weeks, I called that light a freight train. Being left alone in my apartment for a few days made that a special kind of freight train, one with a reverse. It happened to run over me repeatedly while on a bridge. It didn't take me long to figure out that my options were to keep getting run over or dive into the water, and at that point all I really wanted to do was choke the driver and stick him in the coal box. It took me several days to decide to dive. Once I did, I then had another decision to make. (P. S. I HATE HATE HATE to make decisions. Especially when I know that they will effect others.) After the proverbial jump from the train track bridge I realized that while in this water I could sink or swim. I have always consider myself quite the water baby. I have been surrounded by it my entire life. So why all of a sudden did I feel like just drowning? At this point I remembered some things about water like how there are snakes and that sometimes you can't see your feet, and then the best known fact, that every single body of water has a shoreline, somewhere it all ends. There is always a way out. I decided to be a big girl, popped the little swimmies of self doubt that I was letting weigh me down and took off for the shore. It wasn't long before I realized that my heartache, like this water, was, now more than ever, a choice. I could stay in wallow in the fact that I had lost love, been hurt, and made to feel like garbage, or I could move on and accept that it was a sign from Heavenly Father that it really was all over and I could move on and seek something better. Cold water surprisingly does a lot for freight train damages to the mind and spirit.

Another well meaning love in my life always tells me that, 'one door closes and another one opens'. Harry Potter lovers see this as a room with lots of doors always spinning and that actually opening one is like playing Russian roulette without a gun, but there could very well still be a bullet. On the subject of doors, I am woefully undereducated. I know that I like the view from my back door at home, the swing, the rocking chairs, the babies, the men grilling, the boys fishing, the women just a talking, and the dog being lazy in the sun. I know that I like the leaded glass that adorns my front door, and the way the lights look at Christmas time. I love the doors from my childhood. Aunt Katrina's painted like a barn door, for all 8 of her kids to come racing through at any time day or night with most of the neighborhood kids in tow, or Aunt Randy's big green door. It was probably the coolest. For some reason Aunt Randy's door always attracted those tiny green rain frogs. We caught millions and accidentally squished 10s of millions in the door! Grandma's door was hand made by grandpa with a huge glass oval, welcoming all to come and join in. That's about all I've got on doors. So I have been learning so much about them lately. I've learned that sometimes they close and there is no key that will open them again. Sometimes they slam behind you and shatter into a million pieces. Sometimes when you don't walk through them fast enough they hit you in the bum as a subtle reminder. Sometimes when I manage to make a key to reopen them, I open myself up to more hurt, by finding answers that I didn't really need. And then sometimes the door I am facing is locked and I don't have the answers to open it. That is probably the worst part.

While I was thinking about that today on my drive down to Provo, I heard a song on the radio by Rascal Flatts. One line says, "If one door opens to another door closed I hope you keep on walking till you find the window." It made me really think about the windows in my life, real and otherwise. A little higher up off the ground, a little harder to get into or out of, a little less obvious, a little more effort to navigate, and most of all STILL an opening, they can STILL lead you to the right path. In the words of Katy Perry, 'Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed, so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road.' What is my perfect road? Is it a country lane or a mountain path? Who is going to help me navigate it? What will the scenery look like? Green hills, lots of trees, or just red Georgia clay? When will I get the courage to climb out the window that I have been given, and quit trying to unlock the door?

It was then that I realized that I have so many windows that I should be getting sunburned. I will always have doors, tunnels with lights, and hopefully a few windows. I can make those lights not be trains and I can walk through doors with confidence, I can even build ladders in my life and in my heart that make those windows reachable and not so surprising. I will always have decisions to make and that it is NOT considered selfish to make decisions in my own best interest. Sometimes it is necessary, even vital to think of my own heart and what is best for my future.

In light of that, (pun intended) I was given the most glorious and beautiful set of windows any girl could ask for. They even have names. On Sunday afternoon I was kidnapped by the 4 cutest little kids ever (obviously with the greatest parents ever, considering they did manage to get from Utah to Idaho for the above mentioned kidnapping). They make a pretty cute window. Their parents were married a little late in life and it gives me hope that maybe I will find an Andrew to fill my window pane one day.

In my actual window I see the temple when I wake up in the mornings and that is probably the best view that could or will ever be in my window. Sometimes I just need to be reminded of what is supposed to be in my window and what the window is actually for. Thanks Chloe for helping me remember and loving me when I forget about how beautiful the view really is from where I sit.

The Balm of Gilead

As I sit here at work eating my turkey sandwich, I can hear my boss streaming General Conference over the Internet. It has become his ritual to listen to different talks throughout the day. It has brought much comfort and solace to my troubled soul. As I bowed my head to thank my Heavenly Father for one of the messages I realized that I have been praying about a 100 times a day lately. I know that we are to pray morning, noon and night but when things aren't going well I am guilty of praying more than aunt Katrina, if you can believe that! When I was a little girl I used to stay with her all the time. When we all loaded up to go somewhere one of us 11 younguns, without fail, would have lost something, usually me or Jed, and it was usually some piece of clothing that we needed to be wearing. She would always say a prayer and then go to looking for it. I can't count how many pairs of shoes, ponytail holders, shirts, belts, and purses were prayed over in the doorway of the old trailer they lived in or even in the front seat of the old prison van she used to drive. I am so grateful for that example. I have learned a lot of lessons over the years but none are quite as strong as the ones that I have been taught by example. Same thing with Aunt Randy. When Trey was having Dylan and we were all in hospital. Dylan struggled for a good little while and we were all so scared. Every single one of us was praying our little Doodle Loop through. Now almost 4 years later I can still remember the quiet hospital hallway lined with my family, every head was bowed, ever single set of eyes closed and ever pair of arms folded so tight our hands were white, in humble prayer that we could get to keep our little Dylan, and miracle of miracles we did. Another strong example of prayer in my life is from my mama. She seems to always have the inner confidence and quite calm that I often long for. When Elijah got his eye hurt I can remember many different times when we said family prayer that she would pray for him to be healed or to at least be given the strength to endure his trial well. I was always so impressed with her calm assurance that whatever came out of any given bad situation would be the Lord's will and that our task was to accept it and make the best of it. I can also remember her always saying, "Well the Lord will just provide." Her faith and constant prayers to accept the will of the Lord in our lives has been a huge building block for me throughout my life. At family parties we always eat. We enjoy our southern roots and part of that has always been, and will always be good fixins. But the thing that I remember the most is always grandpa's prayers before we dig in. He prays for those of us that are there, those that are not, those that are serving missions, or just married, or having babies, or having hard times. He never forgets to express his deep gratitude for all of us, as wild and crazy and imperfect as we sometimes are. As a missionary in the rice fields of the Philippines I can remember feeling those prayers and the strength and courage that I knew were coming from those back home praying for me. Enough courage and strength to take one more step, talk to one more of Heavenly Father's children, and do just a little bit more before my time was up. The prayers for those in my family that struggle have never ceased either. Whether it was divorce, loss of a spouse, a baby, a job, a testimony, a love, a physical illness, or a spiritual one, it all gets wrapped up in a prayer somewhere. My life lately has given me great cause to seek the refuge of the temple and the peace that comes from within those walls. As I sat in the chapel yesterday the organists was playing hymns and one that he picked was 'Did You Think To Pray' (LDS Hymnbook, Hymn 140). It reads: 1. Ere you left your room this morning, Did you think to pray? In the name of Christ, our Savior, Did you sue for loving favor As a shield today? [Chorus]Oh, how praying rests the weary! Prayer will change the night to day. So, when life gets dark and dreary, Don’t forget to pray. 2. When your heart was filled with anger, Did you think to pray? Did you plead for grace, my brother, That you might forgive another Who had crossed your way? 3. When sore trials came upon you, Did you think to pray? When your soul was full of sorrow, Balm of Gilead did you borrow At the gates of day? Text: Mary A. Pepper Kidder, 1820–1905 Music: William O. Perkins, 1831–1902 Elder Boyd K. Packer said, "The Bible records that in ancient times there came from Gilead, beyond the Jordan, a substance used to heal and soothe. It came, perhaps, from a tree or shrub, and was a major commodity of trade in the ancient world. It was known as the Balm of Gilead. That name became symbolic for the power to soothe and heal." (New Era, August 1979). The hymn recognizes prayer as one of those balms from the land of Gilead. I would also suggest that temple worship, good music, scripture study, service, and a strong family support are wonderful forms of this healing balm. My favorite thing about the 'balm of Gilead' is that it is not a balm for our mortal bodies, but one for our souls. It can and will soothe the burns of abuse, mend the broken heart, and comfort the weary soul. My Heavenly Father will always be here for me, as long as I let him. He has given me His balm. The knowledge of His son and the sacrifice that He made for me. I know that when sore trials come up me I need look no further to my Savior, the eternal source of my very own kind of balm, to heal my broken heart, soothe away the pains of life, and give me the strength to continue again. It can not be bought or sold. It is always available to me if I but seek it. My heart, when in the middle of pain and overcome with despair, often times has cried, with Jeremiah of the Old Testament, "Is there no balm in Gilead?" and just as often, after I have turned to my Savior, I received the blessed answer from my loving Heavenly Father as did Joshua in olden times, "5.There shall not any man be able to stand before thee all the days of thy life: as I was with Moses, so I will be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. 6. Be strong and of a good courage....." (Joshua 1:5-6). He lives. He is my Redeemer and the Savior of the World. As I choose to use the balm that has so liberally been given me, I will be healed, as will you. I have an usually large family that are always teaching me and have become one of my favorite sources of healing and comfort. This picture shows some of the best Balm that Heavenly Father has blessed me with. LtoR: Mama, Aunt Katrina, Aunt Randy, Little Randall, Grandma and Grandpa

Tender Mercies

Just one of the many tender mercies that my loving father in heaven has seen fit to bless me with recently. Until I can get home to real sunshine, beach sand, and my family, this little reminder will do. I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have of my Heavenly Father and the plan that He has for me. He knows me. He loves me. And he saw fit to remind me today. My heart is grateful.

Spring is in the air!

Walking through the Ricks today I realized several important things. First, I think way too much and I absolutely love that about myself. I am starting to recognize the small buzz that comes with Spring and my legs are petitioning me to sleep in the Ricks so that I dont have to walk so far every day. As I came through the first floor sitting area I noticed for the first time in a long time how warm and excited everyone seemed to be. I could hear little bits a pieces of conversations about spring time, sunshine, and the significant need to play in the dirt. I could almost hear the birds chirping in the trees and hear the hum of the bumble bees on grandmas front porch again. I miss falling asleep to the sound of crickets at night. But I am so grateful for my time here on campus. I left the Ricks and headed down the hill and the wind was blowing like crazy. My hair was making me look like cousin it so I turned around to try to use the wind to get it straight and right in line with my view was the Rexburg temple. Sparkling in the sunlight in all its power and glory. I am so full of gratitude today.

-AzK-

Old Fashioned, or just plain old.

Ok, so dating is awful. I am fully convinced that Heavenly Father made dating so hard so that I would appreciate the wonderful consistency in marriage. I have always been one of those girls that is REALLY old fashioned. I grew up with manly men who knew how to fix things, and how to work an honest day without complaining. They know how to cook and clean if needed and they know how to have fun. They put their families first and always did without so that we could have. They understood the value of a dollar but never let it outweigh kindness or generosity. They taught us to work as small children and always told us when we did things right. When we were in the wrong they were still right there, they didn't get upset and shut down, they talked us through the problem, gave us suggestions on how to fix it, and then let us go, free to make our own dumb mistakes. They helped the boys in my family become amazing men and for that alone I am so grateful. At any point I can still turn to any one of those wonderful men and get rock solid advice, direction, or just a good ole fashion *yellow rock!

I am quickly approaching my 25Th birthday and begin to ask myself what I really wanted in a future eternal companion. Growing up I always heard about the proverbial list that every woman supposedly makes. I never have really had one. I don't know why but I guess maybe that was a little too definite for me, maybe I have just never really known what I wanted and then there was always the fear of being considered too picky and that no mortal man could ever live up to my -black and white- list of requirements that were actually written down and therefore not negotiable. Either way, "the list" at least for me didn't exist.....until now. Lately for some reason that is all changing. I feel super old not just old fashioned, but old as in creaking bones, need a hip replacement old. 25 is half way to 50! Eeekk! As old as I am, I am only starting to discover what I want and that being picky is not always a bad thing, which I guess makes me pretty young. I can choose the battles that I want to fight later in life. In fact I AM choosing now, the kind of life I will have and the kind of daddy my babies will have. The serious nature of such a decision has made me understand the importance of a list. Actually writing, in black and white, those things that are definitely not negotiable for me and those things that are. I think is important because when I start to feel like I am falling for Mr.Right I can take a good look and make sure that he really is Mr. Right and not Mr. Rightnow.

Knowing that y'all will see this list has made me a bit cautious in writing it and I want y'all all to know that I don't consider this list to be a determining factor in whether or not people are good. I think all too often we, as women, have these list and if the person we are dating doesn't conform than he is scum or at least not good enough to gain our feminine attention. That's just not true. Many a good man has crossed my path that are not what I want in a husband. Good man yes. For me eternally? Maybe not. I do have high expectations. I do have certain things that I want in a husband and I don't think that is crazy. I have a responsibility to choose wisely for my children, my own heart, and our eternal family. Keep in mind my list is evolving. It is living and therefore under construction all the time. Under each section things are listed as I learned them and therefore order is not important. Without further adieu, here is the much anticipated list or series of lists. *drum roll please*

-Not Negotiable-

a. Loves the Savior more than me and has a relationship with him that reflects as much.
b. Temple attendance and a desire to take me there often, not just when we get married.
c. Wants children (side note: children is plural)
d.Wants me to stay at home with our babies when we get them.

e. Worthy Preisthood holder who understands his responsibilities as such.

f. Respects me for exactly who I am and doesn't expect me to do things to my outer appearance such as dye my hair, wear less jewelry, lose weight, etc.

g. Is supportive of me in my church callings and serves faithfully in his own.

h. Loves and Respects my family and his own.

i. Is forgiving of my short comings.

j. Makes me want to be and do better.

k. Honest. Even when its brutally so.

l. Joins me in the responsibilities of being a good parent and helps my children learn through example the importance of the small and simple things, like modesty, kindness, forgiveness, and respect.
m. Makes me laugh often and can laugh at himself.

n. Isn't afraid to be angry with me.

o. Acknowledges that I worry way to much and thinks it is endearing, or at least doesn't have an issue with it.

p. Understands my connection to my family and loves me for it.

-I Really Want but Could Live Without-

a. A man who can fix things.

b. He thinks I am beautiful and TELLS me so. Often.

c. Loves to Read.

d. Can fend for himself, should the need arise.

e. Enjoys a good movie.

f. Tolerates my homesick spells and is willing to buy me lime sherbet and watch Steel Magnolias with me when one hits.

g. Encourages my creative side, however small it may actually be.

h. Fits in well with the other boys in my family.

-Me Being Ridiculously Picky-

a. Is smitten with my accent...but who isn't! ;)

b. Wants to live near my family or at least visit often. (As in 2 or more times a year)

c. Theoretically wears boots, meaning even if he doesn't, he still lives like a man that would.

d. I have always been a swooner for a cowboy so some knowledge or desire for farm life would be nice!

e. Tall- as in 6 feet or above

f. Dark hair. Ridiculous of me I know, but I just think it looks so attractive!
g. Calls me Darlin, even when he is angry with me. :)

Yes, I know it is super long but let's just say in my short time here in Rexburg I am learning TONS of stuff about what I do and don't want for myself rather quickly. Everyday I get a little older and realize that old fashioned really is the way I want to be. I do have standards and dreams and goals. I do want to be happy. I can pick my trials. I can be happy here, now and in the future. I am a daughter of Heavenly Father who loves me and he has the richest of blessings in store for me. And maybe, just maybe, I am not as old as I had originally thought.

The following are pictures of 2 great men that have helped me along the way. Be jealous.

*A yellow rock is a square dancing call. Its almost a swinging hug. Yeah, My grandpa raised me right! ;)

Turning this funk into fun!

Back in September I wrote a post about all the Funk in my life. Amy to Thomas to my current mood at that time. At the end I said that I was going to be turning all the funk that I was feeling into fun. I have been trying ever since! My first few weeks here in The Burg, Rexburg, or Iceburg, depending on what endearment you choose were none too endearing. I must admit I turned into quite the wimp! I was so whiny! But after a few weeks sabbatical I have returned! In all my faded glory! I have found that when you lose yourself in service to others everything starts to go your way. I had a few bumps with my roommates and didn't really want to be in class and was kinda mopey for a while. But now all that is past and I am back to finally feeling like me again!! *signal the trumpeting angels and hallelujiah chorus* Thanks to some of the best friends a girl could ask for and few good boys too, I am really enjoying my time here in Idaho. I know why my brother learned to love it so much. I know why he loved and still talks about "Western Family" chocolate milk and I had a special glass just for him this morning! I am feeling good in my skin again and on the lookout for more opportunities to grow and become more of what my father in heaven expects me to be. Between seeing Tangled in 3D with Becki (the first picture) , Lava Hot Springs with Bailey (see third picture and Bailey is supposed to be asleep!), Angela, Bob, Tyson, and Alex, Family dinner with the girls, great Home Teachers, and squishing people into the lockers on campus (Bailey actually fits! See second picture), I am finally starting to enjoy myself! Lots of Love from the Burg!

-AzK-

Ice and I don't mean diamonds

I have decided to like ice. I would love a diamond but the ice I am talking about at this moment is the ice, literally frozen water, that is all over the place. When it warms up for a few days the snow melts and then a few days later the water freezes in some really cool ways. In my adventures around campus I have seen some really cool stuff and sometimes have my camera or at least my phone around to capture it. The drainage pipe is probably the coolest one and I liked the bushes because we try so hard at home to make ice trees and here no one is even trying! It makes me laugh. Walking home today I saw a dead snowman that had been knocked down and it tickled me. I even made a snow angel! I am really enjoying seeing all the cool stuff that comes with real cold weather. Hope y'all enjoy it too!


~AzK~

Valentines Day

This Valentine’s Day was surprisingly amazing. As my previous posts illustrate I’ve not been in the best of spirits. I found my computer cord at work and I was excited. My day only got better with time. When I opened my facebook I had a message from a friend who needed help with flowers for a girl so I went by the florist on my way home and ordered the perfect arrangement. It was so cute and I was so excited for all that good flowers do for relationships and the prospect of happiness for some of my favorite people. In the florist there were about 5 gazillion people waiting to be helped. I could see they were trying so hard but so overwhelmed! I was chatting with the lady taking my order and mentioned that I had a grandma in floral business for years and that I really missed the creative side of it. She asked me if I had ever wired a rose and I assured her I had with a laugh. She threw me a box of wire and assigned me a pile. I wired about 20 roses and she seemed pleased. I did a few other odds and ends around the shop like picking and cleaning up the discarded trash and stems. It seemed to really help out and in about 30 minutes the line of worried looking husbands was gone and the next delivery loaded up a sent out. It was such a joy for me to actually feel useful and to have some good connections with people. While walking home I was trying to be happy about not having a valentine even though my day had been pretty good considering. When I got home, to my surprise, I had flowers waiting on the kitchen table. Mama and Daddy remembered me and it meant so much to me. I really am loved. A good experience on a good day with good people. That’s a Happy Valentines!

~AzK~

Comfort. Peace. Hope. Love. Sunshine.

These past few weeks have been rough. I am still learning things about myself and sometimes I still get surprised. Some of the things that I am learning are that I hate ice. Snow is fun....for a little while. My mood is directly related to sunshine....need I remind you, I am in Rexburg, Idaho. I hate sinus infections. I hate the flu. I miss my family. I miss creating things. I miss feeling special and not like just one of the crowd. I miss my accent and the reason that I have it. I miss fried food, (although my waistline doesn’t). I miss men that drive trucks. I miss men that actually know what boots are for AND how to wear them. I miss my Jules, Deash and Panda. I miss not paying for laundry. I hate to pay for laundry. I miss babies. I can be quite whiny sometimes. I am not the most pleasant when I sick. I can sometimes wallow in homesickness, obvious, I know.

BUT…….

I am also learning that ice that melts and then refreezes makes some really cool picture opportunities. Snow is fun to play in with friends. Sunshine is a small miracle and it will always come back. I am so fortunate to have good insurance. (Take that sinus infection, flu, and mandatory TB test!) I have the best family in the world. Hands down, AND I dare you to argue that point. You will lose my friend. I am one spoiled little girl who is loved more than most by some of the best. There is a remedy to fixing that accent problem…its called calling home for about 10 minutes! I have a florist nearby that lets me come ‘play’ when I need to make things. Did I mention I’m spoiled? I am a very good cook. Grandma’s homemade chicken and dumplings makes everything better even when I have to make it myself. Trucks and boots don’t make a man. Some wear them well and have ice in their souls. Skype is the greatest invention of my whole wide life. Laundry is a small price to pay for everything else that I’ve been blessed with here. Babies will surround me once again when I go home. Time and season. It is perfectly ok to just want my mama sometimes, or my grandma or my daddy or my Binky or my grandpa, the king. Homesickness is a disease of the mind. It can be overcome. EVERYTHING can be overcome with the help of my Savior. Not only can everything be overcome it can be conquered and then applied for my betterment.

In one of the buildings here on campus, the Liza R. Snow building, there is, conveniently located at the top of the north staircase, a bronze life size statue of Christ. I was walking to class last week and was so low I could have been dragging the ground. I was coughing up my lungs and I as I rounded the stairs to the top I was fishing for a cough drop in my pocket. I finally found it and when I looked up teary eyed I was facing my Savior. A very golden, shiny, warm, loving Savior that had one arm stretched out beckoning me, like so many in days of old, to come unto Him. Complete with scarred hand and feet and a smile that touched my heart. Talk about being humbled. Talk about feeling loved and special. Talk about comfort, peace, hope. Talk about light that is greater and more permanent than sunshine! A permanent constant reminder that I am supposed to be here. He said. Not me. His plan, not mine and because it is his plan it is perfect, like He is and it will not fail. I have to do my part but He is in charge. The very captain of my soul. Sister Hughes said, "Life often feels like a great pile of obligations, frustrations, and disappointments. But the Lord is there, always the same, His arms still outstretched. When we feel overwhelmed, we have to remember the peace He has spoken to us on previous occasions. His peace brings comfort and strength; the world cannot give that to us."("Remembering the Lord's Love," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 111-12) Peace has been spoken to my soul on many occasions and I have to only remember those sweet little brown faces of His children in the Philippines to feel it again. I realized while walking back to work today that I was smiling to myself. The world cannot give me that. It is the peace and comfort and contentment that comes from knowing and following Him. Elder Scott said, “Peace of conscience is the essential ingredient to your peace of mind. Without peace of conscience, you can have no real peace of mind. Peace of conscience relates to your inner self and is controlled by what you personally do. Peace of conscience can come only from God through a righteous, obedient life. It cannot exist otherwise.”

Comfort.
Peace.
Hope.
Love.
Sunshine.

More than I could have ever imagined....

-AzK-

Potatoes and ALL the Good Gossip

I often write of growing up in a small town and the things that make my family fabulous. This is no exception. In my family when one of us is involved in something that means everyone else is too, from weddings, to babies, to Family Home Evenings, to prom and even sports. Believe it or not that is the way it is for most families in our neck of the woods. When we go to Arminda's volleyball games we see the families of most of the other girls there too and we've become a close little group. Sometimes when one mama has to leave early she will leave money for her daughter with my mama and things like that. It takes a village to raise a child and our little area is no different. The thing that I love the most though is the gossip. Being the good Christian people that we are we like to share good news as it comes. I couldn't help but notice that us southern women often take the command to 'bear one anothers burdens' a bit literally and because we don't want to be the only one 'bearing burdens' we share it with the rest of our circle. Everyone needs a little help sometimes. Arminda is a senior this year and during the playoffs for volleyball we had many Saturday tournaments. We would bring food and snacks for the team and during breaks they could munch on whatever they liked. That way they didn't have to worry about leaving to find food and being late for the next game and those that didn't have money for that would still get to eat. On one such Saturday we packed up early in the morning and headed over to Jackson County. We were playing Sneads. Me and Mama got there early and I was minding my own business about 4 or 5 bleachers from the 'mother hens'. I could still hear bits and pieces of the 'burden bearing' going on but I was busy trying to get all the video equipment in order to film the movie stars. I was sitting their thinking about how much I wanted to be anywhere but there at the moment and I over heard one of the mama's say, "And y'all know that they have 10 pound bags of potatoes on sale at the Pig for a dollar. I got two when I picked up the snacks for the girls this morning" This was followed by a chorus of all the families that could really use some extra groceries. One of the mama's said that she would swing by and pick some up for her neighbors because she new they were having a hard time. Another was going to take some to the church for a community dinner they were hosting. And yet another was going to fix some and take them to a family who had just lost a father. Needless to say I was humbled. My thoughts changed from how I could get out of there sooner to how I could use 10 pounds of potatoes to help someone else. While I am sure that there was a fair amount of gossip added in, these ladies embodied the southern spirit that I am trying so hard to refine. I want to find ways to help those that I know in my community need a little love in their lives. These women, who had difficulties of their own ranging from sick parents to unemployment, were finding ways to help others. That is what this life is all about. Southern or not, we are all Heavenly Fathers children and as such are charged with helping one another on our journey back to him. I am so honored to have been taught by women who love their Heavenly Father and try to help any way they can. By sharing emotional burdens or 10 pound bags of potatoes, to Him, it is the same.

Merry #@$#%! Christmas

Aunt Randy has a way of making up sayings that stick in our family. One of which is Merry *@#$ Christmas! Which is only brought out when all of the holiday stress has arrived and things are not very merry any more. We all experience it and she just has a way with words that makes us all laugh. We had a Merry *@&# Christmas experience this year with meeting Santa Clause. Santa Clause is a new experience for every little kid and some do better than others. As a small child I am told that I never met a stranger and the Santa experience for me, was a good one. This year Elijah and Kristina decided to take Jarah to met Santa. We made a big family trip out of it, combined with the annual trip to look at Christmas lights in Tallahassee. Daddy, Mama, Arminda and Justin came by grandma's in town to pick me up and they had Jarah. Elijah and Kristina had gone to shopping earlier and we were meeting them at the mall to do the whole Santa thing. While waiting in line we noticed a little girl just ahead of us that had down syndrome and the sweetest smile I think heavenly father ever created. If any of you know my daddy you will understand how sensitive he is where children are concerned, especially special children. He was holding Jarah and she was playing with her little hairbrush, putting it in his shirt pocket and taking it back out, over and over again. Well one time she dropped it and it slide across the floor to the feet of the special little girl. She looked at daddy and he reached down to pick it up, like anyone would and her father made the statement to her, "See there you should have picked that up. Santa doesn't come to mean little children". It flew all over daddy! He was so mad. The precious little girl had done nothing wrong and she was just watching daddy and Jarah play. Daddy turned around and relayed the story to the rest of us. He was made clear through! He looked at me and said, "I felt like telling him that Santa doesn't come to Daddy's who have broken jaws." Now I know that my daddy would never hurt a fly, unless it was over something as special to him as children are but that day I think if he had been alone he just may have taught that man what being mean really is! I love my daddy for many reasons and this is one of them. He loves children. He loves us completely and without bias. He has always spoiled us and made us each and every one feel special. Daddy kept his cool until we finally got our turn to see Santa. Jarah wanted nothing to do with him. The picture is pretty explanatory of her position. After we got over the trauma of Santa Claus we went to see the lights and finally made our way home. When asked how she felt about Santa Jarah eventually said, "He's a good boy." We really did have a good time and a great start to our Merry Christmas. Maybe we will have better luck with Santa next year.