Doors and Windows

Having gone through quite the rough spot in life lately (by rough spot I mean that I fell in a pot hole in the road that literally swallowed me whole and spit me back out for round 2) I have had some amazing people give me some even better advice. All well meaning and so kind and loving. One of my favorite people said, 'there is a light at the end of the tunnel' and then with the announcement that the only man I have ever really loved was marrying a 19 year old blond girl after dating her 7 weeks, I called that light a freight train. Being left alone in my apartment for a few days made that a special kind of freight train, one with a reverse. It happened to run over me repeatedly while on a bridge. It didn't take me long to figure out that my options were to keep getting run over or dive into the water, and at that point all I really wanted to do was choke the driver and stick him in the coal box. It took me several days to decide to dive. Once I did, I then had another decision to make. (P. S. I HATE HATE HATE to make decisions. Especially when I know that they will effect others.) After the proverbial jump from the train track bridge I realized that while in this water I could sink or swim. I have always consider myself quite the water baby. I have been surrounded by it my entire life. So why all of a sudden did I feel like just drowning? At this point I remembered some things about water like how there are snakes and that sometimes you can't see your feet, and then the best known fact, that every single body of water has a shoreline, somewhere it all ends. There is always a way out. I decided to be a big girl, popped the little swimmies of self doubt that I was letting weigh me down and took off for the shore. It wasn't long before I realized that my heartache, like this water, was, now more than ever, a choice. I could stay in wallow in the fact that I had lost love, been hurt, and made to feel like garbage, or I could move on and accept that it was a sign from Heavenly Father that it really was all over and I could move on and seek something better. Cold water surprisingly does a lot for freight train damages to the mind and spirit.

Another well meaning love in my life always tells me that, 'one door closes and another one opens'. Harry Potter lovers see this as a room with lots of doors always spinning and that actually opening one is like playing Russian roulette without a gun, but there could very well still be a bullet. On the subject of doors, I am woefully undereducated. I know that I like the view from my back door at home, the swing, the rocking chairs, the babies, the men grilling, the boys fishing, the women just a talking, and the dog being lazy in the sun. I know that I like the leaded glass that adorns my front door, and the way the lights look at Christmas time. I love the doors from my childhood. Aunt Katrina's painted like a barn door, for all 8 of her kids to come racing through at any time day or night with most of the neighborhood kids in tow, or Aunt Randy's big green door. It was probably the coolest. For some reason Aunt Randy's door always attracted those tiny green rain frogs. We caught millions and accidentally squished 10s of millions in the door! Grandma's door was hand made by grandpa with a huge glass oval, welcoming all to come and join in. That's about all I've got on doors. So I have been learning so much about them lately. I've learned that sometimes they close and there is no key that will open them again. Sometimes they slam behind you and shatter into a million pieces. Sometimes when you don't walk through them fast enough they hit you in the bum as a subtle reminder. Sometimes when I manage to make a key to reopen them, I open myself up to more hurt, by finding answers that I didn't really need. And then sometimes the door I am facing is locked and I don't have the answers to open it. That is probably the worst part.

While I was thinking about that today on my drive down to Provo, I heard a song on the radio by Rascal Flatts. One line says, "If one door opens to another door closed I hope you keep on walking till you find the window." It made me really think about the windows in my life, real and otherwise. A little higher up off the ground, a little harder to get into or out of, a little less obvious, a little more effort to navigate, and most of all STILL an opening, they can STILL lead you to the right path. In the words of Katy Perry, 'Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed, so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road.' What is my perfect road? Is it a country lane or a mountain path? Who is going to help me navigate it? What will the scenery look like? Green hills, lots of trees, or just red Georgia clay? When will I get the courage to climb out the window that I have been given, and quit trying to unlock the door?

It was then that I realized that I have so many windows that I should be getting sunburned. I will always have doors, tunnels with lights, and hopefully a few windows. I can make those lights not be trains and I can walk through doors with confidence, I can even build ladders in my life and in my heart that make those windows reachable and not so surprising. I will always have decisions to make and that it is NOT considered selfish to make decisions in my own best interest. Sometimes it is necessary, even vital to think of my own heart and what is best for my future.

In light of that, (pun intended) I was given the most glorious and beautiful set of windows any girl could ask for. They even have names. On Sunday afternoon I was kidnapped by the 4 cutest little kids ever (obviously with the greatest parents ever, considering they did manage to get from Utah to Idaho for the above mentioned kidnapping). They make a pretty cute window. Their parents were married a little late in life and it gives me hope that maybe I will find an Andrew to fill my window pane one day.

In my actual window I see the temple when I wake up in the mornings and that is probably the best view that could or will ever be in my window. Sometimes I just need to be reminded of what is supposed to be in my window and what the window is actually for. Thanks Chloe for helping me remember and loving me when I forget about how beautiful the view really is from where I sit.