The End of the Beginning......FInally

Well this semester is ending much the same way it began. I am at Chloe's surrounded by her kids playing and having a blast. As I look back on the past semesters, my beginning at BYU-Idaho I am filled with gratitude. I have learned so much and come to appreciate the good qualities that I have. I have had my testimony reaffirmed to me of the truthfulness of His gospel. I have made many friends that have changed my life for good. Maybe not always for the better but definitely permanently. I have had my heart broken and put back together again. I have felt the pain of losing a dear friend over religious differences along the way.

This bumpy road has provided with a view like none other. I've been down in deep dark caves and on top of "world famous" (according to Jace Briggs) sand dunes. I have built bonfires and fences, both literal and figurative. I have helped others hearts mend and broken a few. I knew when I moved to Rexburg that I would face a lot of challenges and I was so focused on that that I let myself forget about all the happiness and good times that I would also be blessed with.

The view from my seat at church in the front of our Relief Society group is as diverse as the human race. Life long members, 4 year converts, the only members of their families, to families of 20. Girls who have never been visiting teaching and returned missionary sisters dot that view. Faithful, valiant, women of God, striving to become what he wants them to be.

As for my view of the men, I choose the one that I see from the door of Apartment 4, Sunrise Village. While it is very easy to fault the men that I have met on this campus for all of the flaws that are so apparent to a woman, and maybe not so much to men, this group of men is the best that I have ever met. I would like to tell you about them, individually and collectively.

Collectively to the ward they are the Elders Quroum President, the Sunday School President, the Ward Clerk, the Executive Secretary, the second counselor of the Elders Quroum and the group family home evening coordinator. To me they are the men I call when one of my girls needs a blessing in the middle of the afternoon or the middle of day. To my heart they are so many different things.

Mike is the man I call when I need reassurance that I don't totally stink in my efforts to help the Relief Society and who helps me plan things for all the ward activities. Seth is the man that I confide in about my secret crushes and the boys that really annoy me. He takes me random places and is very honest with me. He tells me what he thinks is best for me and always tries to help me with whatever I need. He runs around finding people for Bishop and chalk for me on Sundays. He is a mover and a shaker, with Sethry you never really know what you will get into but you can bet it will be a good time for all.

Bryce is my go to man for all things YouTube and matters of the heart. He understands that faith isn't blind and that 'why?' is a valid question. He is blunt and honest about things that matter to him and he is kind to everyone. He included me in family plans and hosted a semester end party at his home. He laughs a lot and helps everyone feel welcome. I think Bryce helps me feel the love that Heavenly Father has for ALL of his children more than any other man. Its like no matter happens to me or him or in life in general, he keeps that the focus of who he is a where he is. Its refreshing and a wonderful change form the gloom that can settle on those who are trying so hard to be and do what the Lord would have them to.

Justin is the ghost of the apartment. I don't know a lot about him but he is very kind when we see him and quick to laugh which I need sometimes. He is always very cordial and checks in on me right when I need it. Ryan is just a doll. When we leave their apartment he always shakes my hand and says, 'thanks for coming" which makes me smile. Consistency is always appreciated. He is soft spoken and sort of timid in front of girls which is a welcome change to some of the overzealous ones that are on campus here. Last but certainly not least is Jace.

Jace is painfully shy with females and it takes him a while to open up. The very last Friday that we were in town he and I went mini golfing and to see the Harry Potter movie. It was very interesting how much he opened up and was quite talkative. The other couple that went with us also had a blast and it was fun to get to see some of the nearby places that I am not brave enough to explore on my own. He is definitely the go to man for secret little places to explore and enjoying the lesser known Idaho. The thing that I love the most about him is his smile. He is quick to smile and makes me laugh so much. He has a shy little grin and his brain is always thinking. He notices lots of little things about those that are around him. When he is tired he wears his little black rimmed glasses and during the HP movie I was teasing him about not dressing up like Ron because we saw a boy who had painted his hair orange. He looked at me dead serious, and said, "Don't you know, I'm Harry Potter." I laughed so hard. But he could have said just about anything and I would have thought it was great. He understands the value of hard work and what it means to do a job well. He also understands and has perfected the art of saying what needs to be said, nothing more, nothing less.

Individually they all hold a different piece of my heart and collectively they are the peace in my heart. Here is to good, loyal, just, god-fearing men and the Father in Heaven that made them that way. Hats off to you my dear friends. Until we meet again........

~AzK~

A stirring in my soul......

I had the opportunity to spend the 4th of July this year with some pretty amazing people. I have not been home for a celebration of this variety in a really long time. I have been away from home for the summer for 4 years, but in so being, I have met some really good people. One of which is my dear friend, Bryce Arnold.

Let me tell you a bit about him. He is originally from Washington State and moved to Idaho in his youth with his family. He is a pre-med major and is in my ward here at BYU-I. He is really funny and smart. He has white blonde hair and a small build. He plays competitive baseball here on campus and enjoys most sports. He is good at card games and always seems to have a good time. My favorite thing about Bryce is that he always speaks his mind. He believes in certain things very passionately and spares no words in expressing those thoughts and feelings. I admire him so much for that.

For the 4th of July Bryce asked if we would like to go to his families big cookout and to watch fireworks in Idaho Falls. We all readily agreed. We left about 2:00 pm and headed over for a day of fun in the sun. We ate burgers, played football, frisbee, soccer, and threw a baseball for a while. We, most of the girls, sat in the shade all day and I still got sunburned. We were able to partake of the spirit that usually accompanies a large family enjoying a good hot day outside. There were babies galore and Bryce was so cute when he would pick them up and play with them. Whether he would comfort Presley, the 2 year old, from the scary airplanes, or move Preston out of the middle of the playing field so he didn't get ran over, he seemed to be as absorbed by them a the rest of us.

Mike and Courtney came with us also and it was such a comfort to see a good man treat his girlfriend with respect. He rode in the back of Bryce's car and gave her the front seat, I think my heart melted. He brought food for them and they cooked it together. They were snuggled under a blanket watching the fireworks together and I couldn't help but feel at home. I know that they are both wonderful people and are so good together. I love them both so much!

We spread out blankets and all settled in for the fireworks at around 10:00 pm. We sat mostly in a line with Bryce, Me, Dollie Mae, Kenzie, Boden and Bailey sitting on the side of the little hill and then Mike and Courtney sitting behind us. We sat on a blanket and the more Bryce moved the further down the hill he slid and eventually he was sitting on the grass by the edge of the blanket. We laughed at his folly and then everything kind of got quiet as we watched. Bryce said to me, "It's amazing how patriotic I feel right now. I want to run for President." I whole-heartedly agreed with him.

It is funny how something as small and insignificant as fireworks can speak so clearly and universally to the heart. It made me feel a huge responsibility and even more blessed to live where I do. To have been born in the Good ole U. S.of A! Surrounded there on the side of that parking lot in Idaho Falls, by some of the best people on earth, my dear friends, I realized how important it was for this nation to have been created by loyal god fearing people. There is a plan in place now for each of us and being born in the United States of America, is a large part of mine. I have many friends and family who have served and are serving in the military to defend the freedoms that we enjoy today. The right to barbecue and play all day in the sun, the right to pursue education at this university, and to strive for happiness no matter what life hands us. I felt, as did Bryce and many others I am sure, that stirring in my soul to be a little better, to make more informed decisions, and be more loyal to my country. My father in heaven created this country so that we could come here and worship as we see fit. He restored his gospel in this land of religious freedom so that we may all worship him and return to his presence, as his children, sons and daughters of a king. God Bless America, this land that I love!

A Hero in my Heart

Dear Daddy aka little short man,

Every little girl should believe that her daddy is the best daddy in the world. But honestly, mine really is. I used to think that you played favorites and that Elijah was the only child you thought you had because he is the only boy, but as I grow older I realize everyday just how important I am to you. I want to share a few things that I remember about growing up with you as my daddy. Since lots of people will read this I will write it to them. I hope you enjoy this little trip down memory lane. Don't worry, I will drive safe!

I have always and will always call my early father, daddy. My mama told me once that when my brother was born he was so happy that his feet floated off the floor the first time he saw him and came back down a few days later. Then, she looked at me with that little twinkle in her eye, and told me that when I was born his feet floated off the floor and he still hasn't come back down. I can remember him singing me to sleep to Eagles songs and old George Jones hits. I can remember being so small that I would stand up next to him in the seat of the truck instead of sitting next to him while we were on a drive. I remember my parents taking me and Elijah to the junior museum in Tallahassee and daddy videoed us running all over the place. I was wearing those "coolates" the big baggy shorts, and daddy told me to smile at the camera. I pulled my shorts up as high as they would go and smiled at the camera. He laughed and said I was worth a cool million. (I must say I was quite the charmer even at a young age.) When I was young I would take things to him that I had messed and he would always fix it. I asked him how he could always fix it and he would tell me "You know daddies can fix anything!" He never missed a prom photo shoot and he was there for homecoming too. He was the last one I hugged before I left on the mission and the second one I hugged when I got home. He keeps my secrets and promised to do so before I even had any that I wanted him to keep. That makes this little girl feel safe! He shared his love of the outdoors with me from a very early age and even now takes me with him. When I went home a few weeks ago he took me out fishing and when he would have a bite on his line he would always give it to me and let me reel it in. It took me a minute to catch on but I laughed so hard when he asked me if I could take my own fish off. He taught me to do that as a little youngin and there have many boys that I had to teach. I was always proud that daddy would teach me and it made me feel so loved and spoiled. Now at the age of 25, I am very well rehearsed in the art of unhooking a fish.

I have not always been the nicest person or the best example but every time he would correct me I could feel the love that he had for me. I know that he expected me to do my best and that is, and always has been enough for him. I didn't grow up rich but I grew up well, in large part thanks to the time daddy spent with me. He put up with me during all the teenage drama and that preteen stage where I didn't want to be a girl. He loved me anyway.

As I have grown older the scrapes and scars have become less and less to my physical body and more to my heart. Even though he knows how wonderful I am I haven't found a man my own age who believes that yet. He keeps telling me not to rush it and that it will happen. He is one of my biggest cheerleaders, although my cheering section is packed with those that love me. He loved my mama enough to marry in the temple, and set the best example for me. He went on a mission, magnifies his calling, and kisses my mama when he walks in the door. He has always given me priesthood blessings when I needed them and came to girls camp and did the over night watch every single year that I went. He changed the oil in my car, made sure I had gas money and that I came home safe.

Daddy, Earlier today I posted on my facebook, "To the best daddy in the world: I wanted money, you taught me to work. I wanted love, you taught me forgiveness. I wanted happiness, you taught me to be honest. I wanted to serve a mission, you learned to email. I went to college, you learned to skype. I got my heart broken and you helped me love myself again. The greatest thing that you have ever done for me was to love my mama. I love you. Happy Fathers Day! " Now I will add, you have made it so hard for me to fall in love! Daddy, you are such a good man, I don't know if any of the boys in my generation can even come close! But don't worry, I promise not to settle for one who doesn't love me the way you do mama, BUT he will NOT be allowed to "beller" like you do! ;) I know that you will love whoever I drag in, just like you love me no matter what. Even as good of a man as I will end up with, never doubt that you are the real hero in my heart.

Love eternally,

Your Punkin Doodle

A quarter of a century?

I have officially reached old age. Last Sunday (May 8th) I turned 25. The year I was born I was also brought into this world on Mothers Day in 1986. I think that this birthday was one of my favorites by far. Early in the week my roommates and I went to Big Jud's and Alex, one of our old hometeacher's, came along. We had a really good time and enjoyed being crazy together! Bailey and Dollie Mae both went to Utah for the weekend and both Anna and Kenzie went home to Shelley. I was thinking it was going to be a kinda of lonely weekend but on Sunday all of my friends made it the most amazing birthday ever. I woke up to a text from my daddy that said, " A half a decade or a half a century I don't know, but I do know that I have loved you your whole life." Wow. I pity the poor boy that thinks he can love me as much as my daddy does. I don't think that he actually exists, but I would settle for one who is willing to try!

Right after church Alex asked me to come over for frozen pizza and he even bought me lime sherbert, which has been my favorite since I can remember. As I was sitting at Alex's house one of the couples from the Hill Cumorah Pageant who live here in town invited me over for Mothers Day dinner. Alex drove me and stayed there to eat with me too. I love that family so much. Right before we left church to come home, Alex casually mentioned that it was my birthday and sister Hayes was so excited! One of her daughters has a birthday on May 8th as well and she was sad because she wasn't able to come home for a visit. She hugged me up and said that she was so glad that in the end she still got a daughter home for her birthday. They are so wonderful to me! As we were driving out of the driveway Alex asked me if I wanted to go see a park that Brother Hayes had mentioned would be a good place for the bonfire that we are planning and I readily agreed. It was a cool little place and we picked the shelter that we wanted and headed on back home. Alex hangs out with us most of the time and as we neared the apartment, he asked if he was invited over, which was the strangest thing coming from him. I told him that of course he was invited and then I reminded him that he would probably want to change out of his church clothes. We went to his place first and he changed and then went over to the refrigerator. He pulled out these 2 pies that had red stuff on the top and told me that we could all eat them at my place. I was excited for pie! Who wouldn't be? When we walked into my apartment I realized why he had been so clingy. It was full of my friends and Gracie had decorated and everything! There were even ribbons on the floor! Then when they cut the pies I realized what they were. Bailey had called mama and got Aunt Katrina's Cream cheese pie recipe and had Alex make it for me. I was so exited. Alex did a great job and only 2 pieces of pie remained, but alas at breakfast the following morning they succumbed to the sweet tooth of Bailey and I. It was a wonderful day to be sure.

-AzK-

Doors and Windows

Having gone through quite the rough spot in life lately (by rough spot I mean that I fell in a pot hole in the road that literally swallowed me whole and spit me back out for round 2) I have had some amazing people give me some even better advice. All well meaning and so kind and loving. One of my favorite people said, 'there is a light at the end of the tunnel' and then with the announcement that the only man I have ever really loved was marrying a 19 year old blond girl after dating her 7 weeks, I called that light a freight train. Being left alone in my apartment for a few days made that a special kind of freight train, one with a reverse. It happened to run over me repeatedly while on a bridge. It didn't take me long to figure out that my options were to keep getting run over or dive into the water, and at that point all I really wanted to do was choke the driver and stick him in the coal box. It took me several days to decide to dive. Once I did, I then had another decision to make. (P. S. I HATE HATE HATE to make decisions. Especially when I know that they will effect others.) After the proverbial jump from the train track bridge I realized that while in this water I could sink or swim. I have always consider myself quite the water baby. I have been surrounded by it my entire life. So why all of a sudden did I feel like just drowning? At this point I remembered some things about water like how there are snakes and that sometimes you can't see your feet, and then the best known fact, that every single body of water has a shoreline, somewhere it all ends. There is always a way out. I decided to be a big girl, popped the little swimmies of self doubt that I was letting weigh me down and took off for the shore. It wasn't long before I realized that my heartache, like this water, was, now more than ever, a choice. I could stay in wallow in the fact that I had lost love, been hurt, and made to feel like garbage, or I could move on and accept that it was a sign from Heavenly Father that it really was all over and I could move on and seek something better. Cold water surprisingly does a lot for freight train damages to the mind and spirit.

Another well meaning love in my life always tells me that, 'one door closes and another one opens'. Harry Potter lovers see this as a room with lots of doors always spinning and that actually opening one is like playing Russian roulette without a gun, but there could very well still be a bullet. On the subject of doors, I am woefully undereducated. I know that I like the view from my back door at home, the swing, the rocking chairs, the babies, the men grilling, the boys fishing, the women just a talking, and the dog being lazy in the sun. I know that I like the leaded glass that adorns my front door, and the way the lights look at Christmas time. I love the doors from my childhood. Aunt Katrina's painted like a barn door, for all 8 of her kids to come racing through at any time day or night with most of the neighborhood kids in tow, or Aunt Randy's big green door. It was probably the coolest. For some reason Aunt Randy's door always attracted those tiny green rain frogs. We caught millions and accidentally squished 10s of millions in the door! Grandma's door was hand made by grandpa with a huge glass oval, welcoming all to come and join in. That's about all I've got on doors. So I have been learning so much about them lately. I've learned that sometimes they close and there is no key that will open them again. Sometimes they slam behind you and shatter into a million pieces. Sometimes when you don't walk through them fast enough they hit you in the bum as a subtle reminder. Sometimes when I manage to make a key to reopen them, I open myself up to more hurt, by finding answers that I didn't really need. And then sometimes the door I am facing is locked and I don't have the answers to open it. That is probably the worst part.

While I was thinking about that today on my drive down to Provo, I heard a song on the radio by Rascal Flatts. One line says, "If one door opens to another door closed I hope you keep on walking till you find the window." It made me really think about the windows in my life, real and otherwise. A little higher up off the ground, a little harder to get into or out of, a little less obvious, a little more effort to navigate, and most of all STILL an opening, they can STILL lead you to the right path. In the words of Katy Perry, 'Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed, so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road.' What is my perfect road? Is it a country lane or a mountain path? Who is going to help me navigate it? What will the scenery look like? Green hills, lots of trees, or just red Georgia clay? When will I get the courage to climb out the window that I have been given, and quit trying to unlock the door?

It was then that I realized that I have so many windows that I should be getting sunburned. I will always have doors, tunnels with lights, and hopefully a few windows. I can make those lights not be trains and I can walk through doors with confidence, I can even build ladders in my life and in my heart that make those windows reachable and not so surprising. I will always have decisions to make and that it is NOT considered selfish to make decisions in my own best interest. Sometimes it is necessary, even vital to think of my own heart and what is best for my future.

In light of that, (pun intended) I was given the most glorious and beautiful set of windows any girl could ask for. They even have names. On Sunday afternoon I was kidnapped by the 4 cutest little kids ever (obviously with the greatest parents ever, considering they did manage to get from Utah to Idaho for the above mentioned kidnapping). They make a pretty cute window. Their parents were married a little late in life and it gives me hope that maybe I will find an Andrew to fill my window pane one day.

In my actual window I see the temple when I wake up in the mornings and that is probably the best view that could or will ever be in my window. Sometimes I just need to be reminded of what is supposed to be in my window and what the window is actually for. Thanks Chloe for helping me remember and loving me when I forget about how beautiful the view really is from where I sit.

The Balm of Gilead

As I sit here at work eating my turkey sandwich, I can hear my boss streaming General Conference over the Internet. It has become his ritual to listen to different talks throughout the day. It has brought much comfort and solace to my troubled soul. As I bowed my head to thank my Heavenly Father for one of the messages I realized that I have been praying about a 100 times a day lately. I know that we are to pray morning, noon and night but when things aren't going well I am guilty of praying more than aunt Katrina, if you can believe that! When I was a little girl I used to stay with her all the time. When we all loaded up to go somewhere one of us 11 younguns, without fail, would have lost something, usually me or Jed, and it was usually some piece of clothing that we needed to be wearing. She would always say a prayer and then go to looking for it. I can't count how many pairs of shoes, ponytail holders, shirts, belts, and purses were prayed over in the doorway of the old trailer they lived in or even in the front seat of the old prison van she used to drive. I am so grateful for that example. I have learned a lot of lessons over the years but none are quite as strong as the ones that I have been taught by example. Same thing with Aunt Randy. When Trey was having Dylan and we were all in hospital. Dylan struggled for a good little while and we were all so scared. Every single one of us was praying our little Doodle Loop through. Now almost 4 years later I can still remember the quiet hospital hallway lined with my family, every head was bowed, ever single set of eyes closed and ever pair of arms folded so tight our hands were white, in humble prayer that we could get to keep our little Dylan, and miracle of miracles we did. Another strong example of prayer in my life is from my mama. She seems to always have the inner confidence and quite calm that I often long for. When Elijah got his eye hurt I can remember many different times when we said family prayer that she would pray for him to be healed or to at least be given the strength to endure his trial well. I was always so impressed with her calm assurance that whatever came out of any given bad situation would be the Lord's will and that our task was to accept it and make the best of it. I can also remember her always saying, "Well the Lord will just provide." Her faith and constant prayers to accept the will of the Lord in our lives has been a huge building block for me throughout my life. At family parties we always eat. We enjoy our southern roots and part of that has always been, and will always be good fixins. But the thing that I remember the most is always grandpa's prayers before we dig in. He prays for those of us that are there, those that are not, those that are serving missions, or just married, or having babies, or having hard times. He never forgets to express his deep gratitude for all of us, as wild and crazy and imperfect as we sometimes are. As a missionary in the rice fields of the Philippines I can remember feeling those prayers and the strength and courage that I knew were coming from those back home praying for me. Enough courage and strength to take one more step, talk to one more of Heavenly Father's children, and do just a little bit more before my time was up. The prayers for those in my family that struggle have never ceased either. Whether it was divorce, loss of a spouse, a baby, a job, a testimony, a love, a physical illness, or a spiritual one, it all gets wrapped up in a prayer somewhere. My life lately has given me great cause to seek the refuge of the temple and the peace that comes from within those walls. As I sat in the chapel yesterday the organists was playing hymns and one that he picked was 'Did You Think To Pray' (LDS Hymnbook, Hymn 140). It reads: 1. Ere you left your room this morning, Did you think to pray? In the name of Christ, our Savior, Did you sue for loving favor As a shield today? [Chorus]Oh, how praying rests the weary! Prayer will change the night to day. So, when life gets dark and dreary, Don’t forget to pray. 2. When your heart was filled with anger, Did you think to pray? Did you plead for grace, my brother, That you might forgive another Who had crossed your way? 3. When sore trials came upon you, Did you think to pray? When your soul was full of sorrow, Balm of Gilead did you borrow At the gates of day? Text: Mary A. Pepper Kidder, 1820–1905 Music: William O. Perkins, 1831–1902 Elder Boyd K. Packer said, "The Bible records that in ancient times there came from Gilead, beyond the Jordan, a substance used to heal and soothe. It came, perhaps, from a tree or shrub, and was a major commodity of trade in the ancient world. It was known as the Balm of Gilead. That name became symbolic for the power to soothe and heal." (New Era, August 1979). The hymn recognizes prayer as one of those balms from the land of Gilead. I would also suggest that temple worship, good music, scripture study, service, and a strong family support are wonderful forms of this healing balm. My favorite thing about the 'balm of Gilead' is that it is not a balm for our mortal bodies, but one for our souls. It can and will soothe the burns of abuse, mend the broken heart, and comfort the weary soul. My Heavenly Father will always be here for me, as long as I let him. He has given me His balm. The knowledge of His son and the sacrifice that He made for me. I know that when sore trials come up me I need look no further to my Savior, the eternal source of my very own kind of balm, to heal my broken heart, soothe away the pains of life, and give me the strength to continue again. It can not be bought or sold. It is always available to me if I but seek it. My heart, when in the middle of pain and overcome with despair, often times has cried, with Jeremiah of the Old Testament, "Is there no balm in Gilead?" and just as often, after I have turned to my Savior, I received the blessed answer from my loving Heavenly Father as did Joshua in olden times, "5.There shall not any man be able to stand before thee all the days of thy life: as I was with Moses, so I will be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. 6. Be strong and of a good courage....." (Joshua 1:5-6). He lives. He is my Redeemer and the Savior of the World. As I choose to use the balm that has so liberally been given me, I will be healed, as will you. I have an usually large family that are always teaching me and have become one of my favorite sources of healing and comfort. This picture shows some of the best Balm that Heavenly Father has blessed me with. LtoR: Mama, Aunt Katrina, Aunt Randy, Little Randall, Grandma and Grandpa

Tender Mercies

Just one of the many tender mercies that my loving father in heaven has seen fit to bless me with recently. Until I can get home to real sunshine, beach sand, and my family, this little reminder will do. I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have of my Heavenly Father and the plan that He has for me. He knows me. He loves me. And he saw fit to remind me today. My heart is grateful.